Rule #62: Tattoo Your Kids With Reckless Abandon

in Rules of Parenting

Stop looking at me like that. If you hate it so much just look at your other arm. You've got two, don't you?

Stop looking at me like that. If you hate it so much just look at your other arm. You've got two, don't you?

Children pretty much all look the same.

Oh, sure, some possess characteristics that keep demographers employed and allow companies like Benetton to perpetuate the myth of rainbow love, but when it really comes right down to it, after you’d pounded a few cans of Schlitz, you’re often confused about which child is yours when all those screaming mini-souls come galloping out of school.

That’s why tattooing is such a viable identifier.

It clearly sets apart your child and says, “Hey, dad, it’s me, remember? I’m the one with the iCarly tattoo on my neck and your ATM pin on my arm.”

Then, of course, you’ll squint, look temporarily confused, and say to yourself, “Right. Right. Yes, that’s right. The tattoos! That is my kid. We had those done for little Matthew at the county fair for half price, because the artist said Matthew’s arm was so small and skinny he didn’t have to use as much ink. Plus, I bought the dude a funnel cake.”

The Benefits of (Kid) Ink

We’re certain naysayers will dismiss the perks of tats for toddlers, preschoolers and elementary-age children. They’ll decry the practice and say that tattoos never really go away. All true—and that’s precisely why the idea shows how committed you are to making your child look and feel different. Plus, think about the perks:

Your child becomes a feared badass during those epic struggles for plastic shovels in sandboxes at parks.

Your child understands early in his life about the threat of hepatitis.

Your child never has to endure the public embarrassment of being an angel, shepherd or wise man during holiday pageants.

You’ll strip away the rebellious luster associated with your child getting a tattoo of their own – besides, after you’ve used all of their epidermal real estate etching grocery lists, phone numbers and directions to the nearest liquor store across their entire body, there simply won’t be any room left.

But watch out for piercings. You don’t want your kid looking like a freak.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

SillyDad November 19, 2009 at 9:48 am

But , if you get a piercing, say through the nose, you have somewhere secure to attach the leash (re: rule #10). And you can bet they won’t pull against it.

I’m a very bad parent, aren’t I?

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kitty November 19, 2009 at 5:54 pm

I told my grandfather when I was younger that I wanted a nose ring… he said I’d look like a bull with one of those rings you lead them along by… I think he was quite chuffed by the idea when he thought about it. He’s always encouraged my ventures into the rebellious side… encouraging me to bleach my hair and dye it purple etc.. That way no religious cults would attempt to rope us in. :D

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Cat November 19, 2009 at 7:28 pm

Tie-dying their legs works, too. Saves money on tights later.

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Mother Shaffer November 21, 2009 at 7:20 am

I’m a big advocate of tattoos at an early age. Makes ‘em tough and they appreciate the seriousness of the threat, “Don’t make me take you to see Snake today! He’ll give you something to cry about.”

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Annie @ PhD in Parenting November 26, 2009 at 4:03 pm

We tried to get my little sister a fake tattoo while on vacation once when we were kids to freak out my parents, but she wouldn’t oblige us.

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marina March 25, 2010 at 10:02 am

Oh I found this site while at work haha I’m laughing so hard I’m crying this is hilarious and offensive HAHAHAHAHAAAA

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Creed August 22, 2010 at 2:10 am

Tattoos are for pansies, my kid will have ritual brands and scars like he was from some african tribe, And when child services says anything about it i’ll just blame the cat

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