Rule #6: Cut Your Child’s Hair at Home

cutting a child's hair is like shearing a goat

Why pay money for a haircut, when you can pay with your child's dignity?

Three factors play major roles in cutting your child’s hair at home:

1. As much as you’d hate to admit it, you don’t want your kid’s hair to be better looking than yours.

2. It’s a hassle to drive to Supercuts.

3. You’re feeling the effects of the economy. And you’re willing to sacrifice your child’s dignity for a few bucks.

Besides, how often do you have to endure other adults showering attention on the wavy, blonde locks of your child and saying things like, “Oh my goodness, where did Madison get that gorgeous hair?” Which is code for: Your hair looks like crap, so there’s no genetic reason why your daughter should have the hair of a Greek goddess. Something isn’t right, and I’ll be sure to comment on the beauty of Madison’s hair nearly every day until you tell me where the hell this kid came from.

Naturally, cutting hair at home also saves money—coin that could be better spent on you. And let’s face, what’s more important: your kid’s self esteem or two days of double espressos at Starbucks? Your child will learn that your frugality leads to coffee breath and a rich, blended-bean aroma on your clothing. These olfactory memories will surely ease the pain of a haircut that looks like it was given by a considerably drunk college student using toenail clippers. Besides, you have to cut costs somewhere.

Hey, Boys: How About a Classic Bowl Haircut?

bowl cut, an American classic

A bowl. A pair of scissors. And a dedication to using both together: The Bowl Cut.

Nothing establishes your family’s class standing and appreciation of personal grooming more than giving your son a bowl haircut. Most of those fancy 15-dollar haircuts for children are attempts at conformity. However, a bowl haircut says, “Hey, we’re not like you. We personally want to be involved in the development of our son’s hair by placing a bowl on his head and cutting around it. If it was good enough for Moe Howard of the Three Stooges, it’s good enough for our child.”

After several months of using a sturdy cereal or soup bowl as a template when cutting your child’s hair, leave it out of the grooming process one time. You’ll be surprised at how easy it is to cut hair when you don’t really care how it’ll look afterwards.

Home Haircuts = Humble Heads

Finally, a home-haircut intangible: Do you really want your kid wasting his or her time looking in the mirror? Studies have shown that we spend countless hours each year in front of mirrors. Hair is the culprit. We preen. We gaze. We imagine how good our hair can be. We discover the best angles to tilt our heads to accentuate our favorite parts. So, if your child’s hair looks like the result of a shredder accident, he or she won’t even bother with mirrors. Your kid may figure, what the hell is the point? My haircut isn’t getting any better. It’s a waste of time and I’m afraid to look anyway.

I can move on to other things, like telling my mom how pretty her hair is.

Comments

  1. Rachel says:

    I think Amish kids are cute

  2. Randy says:

    I think you should start your own TV show with this.

  3. Rachel:
    But aren’t they cute despite the best efforts of their bowl-wielding parents?

  4. Donna Peak says:

    The only thing worse than giving your 6-year-old son a bowl cut is giving your 13-year-old daughter a home perm. Yes, I was the sad recipient of many a money-saving perm administered by my well-intentioned mum. The last of which completely fried my hair–overprocessing it to point that it swelled up like a lion’s mane when dry and resulted in my sporting a split-end ponytail tamed only by countless bobby pins and gallons of hairspray–a look I wore nearly every day of the 8th grade. Needless to say, my fragile teen ego was forever bruised and the money I’ve spent on self-esteem counseling since could have bought me enough professional perms to satisfy a honky tonk full of country music stars.

  5. Not gonna lie says:

    I’m not gonna lie, bowl cuts were in style when I was in junior high and that’s the kind of haircut you got at supercuts. the bowl cut and bad hair cut are two different things.

  6. admin says:

    @ Not gonna lie: Those were the days…

  7. Nancy says:

    Mom cut my hair for school picture day then put it in rollers. Dad stood in the bathroom door and laughed. I cried. If I had kids I would cut their hair at home and then laugh at them…it builds character!

  8. tinknbetty says:

    My grandmother always thought she could cut bangs as a result if you look at my mother and aunts school photos in chronological order and add mine in too you will see bangs with a leveled degree starting at about 56 degrees to (lucky for me) a final of 15 degrees. The best thing is she got better, but after that torment I’m hesitant to sacrifice my own daughter to great-grandma’s hair cutting skills. Luck my kids have a cosmetologist for a Mom.

  9. random dummy says:

    OMG I just love this blog… Thank god for true blood!

    Anyway just in case someone may want to do an upgrade on the “bowl cut” I have added a a sneaky link…

  10. Basmah El Enabrim says:

    Isn’t it amazing that those of us who suffered through home perms-everything fuzzed but my home cut bangs-which looked like Mamie Eisenhower’s, became Cosmetologists in self defense. Kids from all over the neighborhood come to me.The worst is that my brother’s kids beg me to do their hair- from cuts to highlights. You think he would have learned from those Bowl Cuts he had.

  11. Vladimir says:

    I’d say just shave him bald. Little boys don’t need hair.

  12. 2peas says:

    I just spent 25 bucks the other day and he looks like crap. or a creep.

  13. Nicki says:

    This is hilarious! My mother butchered my hair when I was 10, and people thought I was a boy she cut it so short.

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