Rule #57: Pick Up Chicks With Your Kid

Hey lady, if you cry hard enough, he'll probably even change your diaper.

You are a walking, talking, blubbering Petri dish of insecurities.

It’s obvious to everyone, even the blind dude with the dog that licks your loafers on the subway, but somehow you don’t see it—in much the same way you don’t see your unholy tangle of ear hair.

But you have a cute kid.

It’s weird. Millions of insecure and otherwise ugly to average-looking people have cute kids. No one can explain it, sort of like why people still eat boloney sandwiches.

Anyway, employ this cute kid of yours for something useful like picking up chicks. Even if attractive women won’t talk to you, it doesn’t mean they won’t talk to your child. It works, and if your munchkin is noshing a boloney sandwich at the time, your odds of success are even better.

Co-Conspirator of Love

Your child needs to understand that daddy likes to be friendly with other women. It’s part of your duty as Mr. Nice Community Guy. Granted, these women are usually younger and prettier than mommy, but it’s only because they’re lonely and need to hear nice words said to them in the produce aisle or at the car wash.

Three themes need to prevail, and your child should be coached to weave each of them into the first minute of talking to the Pretty Lady Who Smells Good Touching Mangos. Try these themes:

Coinage. “You know, my daddy has an unlimited supply of money that I bet he would spend on you if you were nice to him.”

Mommy is a latter-day Hun. “My mommy locks us out of places, usually at night when it’s cold. I bet you have a warm house, don’t you?”

Your manhood. “I once saw my daddy naked, and he has this dangling thing that looks like a really happy giant aardvark. It was this long!”

Any woman in her right mind will be intrigued by Junior’s rambling missives about your perfection—and you won’t have utter a word.

Tagged as: getting the most out of your kid, having fun despite having kids, living vicariously through children