Rule #55: Scare Away Your Children’s Friends

in Rules of Parenting

But he only eats one child per year, so you should be safe, Charlie.

But he only eats one child per year, so you should be safe, Charlie.

The only children who can be trusted are yours—and only if they’ve been sedated with warm milk and apple strudel.

You don’t like the idea of other children or so-called “friends” influencing your brood with talk of the “internet” and its many electronic trappings, as well as using “cell phones” to discuss things such as where they’ll meet to eat food that is fast and “convenient.”

And don’t get us started with the ugly influences on the younger set, including the ne’er-do-wells at Disney.

It’s a dangerous world of ideas, and your children like ideas…mainly because they don’t get any at home. That’s why it’s important to scare away all of their friends and would-be friends. (Studies by researcher-scientist types with bad parts in their hair and acne scars have shown that friendships are ridiculously overrated anyway.)

Wave the Creep Flag Proudly

It’s not like you should care about your children’s reputations, especially since you’ll only be living in your town for the next 10-15 years before you buy the timeshare in Tucson.

Seriously, what harm can come from making sure they’re socially ostracized because their parents are creepy? Here are some basic approaches for scaring away your children’s friends, by age group:

For the young set, talk about people who’ve died in your house.

Nothing creeps out young children more than the specter of death, and nothing trumps the specter of death more than having it discussed by adults as if it could happen again at any moment.

When your children’s friends come over for dinner, offer a conversation starter like, “You know what I did with my Saturday, kids? I spent most of it in the upstairs bathroom scraping dried blood out of the grout lines in the shower—it’s been there since those grizzly…well, you know. I guess that explains why our kids see warlocks roaming the hallways after dark. Crazy shit, I tell you. Would someone pass the Brussels sprouts?”

For tweens, give them lots of heartfelt, emotional hugging.

Tweens are going through that incredibly uncomfortable stage where hormones roam their bodies like feral cats in a trash-strewn alley, and they have the emotional I.Q. of a spoon.

Yes, they are confused by everything—girls, boys, adults, stop signs, water fountains, Bic pens, and more. Which means that you’ll scare your children’s tween friends away if you overstep their personal space by doling out lots of hugs.

We’re not talking about greeting or good-bye hugs (although those are scary enough coming from you or any adult), but hugs for just about anything: if they pick up a stamp you’ve dropped on the floor, walk over and offer a warm embrace; if they comment on the size of your TV, offer a hug as if a life has been saved.

And when hugging, say things like, “God broke the mold when he made you—you’re an amazing, wonderful child. Please don’t ever leave us, dear child of heaven.”

For teens, show off your surgery scars.

Teenagers are generally grossed out by anyone older than 30, as if they instinctively understand that we are flawed internally and externally. And the external flaw is what you can flaunt to chase them away most effectively.

Which is why we recommend pulling up your shirt and nudging your shorts down over your happy flesh and proudly saying to your daughter’s friends, “Do you know how fat Charlotte was when she was born? I couldn’t do the vaginal-birth thing, so check out this caesarian scar! Come on, get closer, it won’t bite.”

And dads, don’t feel left out—most teenagers will be mortified by ACL-surgery scars, lower-back-surgery scars and, if you want to clear a room, those scars you endured for the most recent vasectomy.

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

jason May 8, 2009 at 1:07 pm

my dad would always round up my friend and i when they were over and call us gay for not hanging out with girls. we were like 10 years old. i think he liked to drink a lot.

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Shell May 8, 2009 at 1:32 pm

“…talk about people who’ve died in your house”….hahahaha….oh…that’s good…

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kevin May 28, 2009 at 10:15 am

and look how you turned out, jason. GAY. thanks for nothing for your contribution.

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Kidgarbage February 26, 2010 at 10:36 am

When kids come over, swear a lot and leave empty vodka bottles and beer cans all over the kitchen counters. This should take little or no effort.

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Mandy V June 11, 2010 at 3:57 pm

As soon as I hit 15 my dad started hitting on my friends. (Imagine Captain Spaulding from house of 1000 corpses with a beer belly.) Because I almost never had guys over whenever I brought a girl friend home he would say “Oh, is this your new cooter bumpin buddy?” Nice dad….

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Angela A July 6, 2010 at 8:51 pm

OMG! I think I’m the creepy Mom! LOL. Usually this stuff is just joking around, though. SOMETIMES I’m really trying to scare them off. You know, those little buggers are really hard to scare. The hugging thing might actually work. Espescially when my son’s goth friends stop by …

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Creed August 22, 2010 at 2:36 am

if all else fail co out in the woods dig a deep hole, take off your wedding ring and cake it in mud then circle through the woods and run in all excited telling little jimmy “jimmy come on they buried 2 more today and i need help diggin em u….well hello kids…”

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Creed August 22, 2010 at 2:37 am

it helps to dig alot with your hands too so you look the part

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Creed August 22, 2010 at 2:38 am

also i forgot show off “the ring i found ….umm at the park” another helpful tip is to cover small bills in splattered blood from really any source you choose and hand your kid their allowance in blood stained bills that are still stuck together

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