Rule #48: Never Change a Diaper

Diapers: Remember when you used to spend your money on condoms?

Diapers: Remember when you used to spend your money on condoms?

Babies are poop-producing machines.

Despite not being able to stand up on her own, the inability to make coherent sentences and the fact that she has absolutely no motor skills, your daughter has managed to become a fierce competitor in the sport of filling up diapers.

And this is a problem. A really shitty one. Aside from draining you financially, the constant diaper changes are robbing you of your free time, and more importantly, your soul. You never signed up to be a butt janitor, and you’re fed up with the third-world-country-esque Diaper Genie and its accompanying stench. (Crap-filled sausage links, really? We’re not buying that shit.)

Which is why you should never change a diaper again in your life, and help your child:

Learn to live with his sins

Refusing to change your child’s diaper ups the proverbial ante when it comes to Junior taking his next dump. If he knows mommy and daddy aren’t there to bail him out of his putrid-shorts, he might think twice about grabbing the back of the sofa, squinting and grunting out a few Tootsie rolls.

This puts a higher pressure on young Junior, who might all of the sudden become interested in advanced potty-training lessons or getting a sandbox for the back yard.

Stop shitting all over the environment

You'll never have to stop traffic for Mr. Shittypants again.

You'll never have to stop traffic for Mr. Shittypants again.

Years later, when Jillian is sitting in a Horticulture class in college, being lectured on “The Perils of Plastic and the Effect of Diapers on the Environment,” she’ll be overcome with guilt at the thought of all the poop-filled plastic she’s left behind in her wake, thanks to your ignorance.

Unless, that is, you can look her square in the eye and tell her she only ever used one diaper, and it was a hand-me-down from her older siblings. (She’ll be touched at the notion, and probably itchy for the rest of the day.)

And pissing away your life savings

Sure, you are addicted to infomercials (and buying useless crap) and, sure, your spouse likes to taste-test a lot at the bar, but your child is literally shitting your money away five or six times a day.

And if the Taco Bell drive-thru is involved, you might as well take out a loan.

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

SillyDad April 17, 2009 at 12:02 pm

True Story: My best friend’s wife is going away this weekend on a church retreat. He said “well, at least she’ll be close enough so that when {Ruby} makes a stinky, I can take her to Momma for a change.” I told him don’t even bother. “Letting her run around naked in the back yard all weekend will completely eliminate the need for diaper changing. All you’ll need is the garden hose and a high pressure nozzle.”
I think Momma has decided to forgo the retreat until potty training is done.

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Father Knows Worst April 17, 2009 at 12:07 pm

@SillyDad: “All you’ll need is the garden hose and a high pressure nozzle.” That might be the funniest line on this entire site. I need to start a Comments Hall of Fame and give you a green jacket or something.

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kevin April 17, 2009 at 12:44 pm

sometimes i poop my diapers and don’t change them just because i like how it feels. who’s with me?

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Shell April 17, 2009 at 1:30 pm

Finally, a real post that directly addresses the fact that “crap- filled sausage links” are not like real sausage. Well done…I do love all things bathroom humor.

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jason April 18, 2009 at 12:51 pm

ok my parents actually did this one, all jokes aside. they were a bit hippy-ish and would “let it mellow” when it was yellow and used “natural” cloth diapers on me. i still can’t wear white-tighties to this day.

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kitty August 4, 2009 at 7:08 am

Why, Jason? Do you find yourself uncontrollably wetting them?

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