Rule #45: Rent Your Child’s Bedroom to Strangers

Oh quit your crying, kid. It's not like I'm the boogie monster.

Oh quit your crying, kid. It's not like I'm the boogie monster.

It’s tough to admit, but in those quiet yet terrifying moments in the middle of the night when shadows transform into monsters, you acknowledge you’re having a few cash-flow issues—mainly due to off-track betting, the timeshare in Boca Raton, and an addiction to QVC.

And it’s ugly out there. You need a little extra cash.

The easiest place to pick up quick coin is to rent out part of your child’s bedroom to drifters, ex-convicts, and circus people. It’s good for society, good for your bank account, and good for the psyche of your child, who certainly won’t mind sharing his room with society’s fringe element.

It’s Like a Sleepover, Only With the Threat of Tuberculosis

Sketchy people are often marginalized because of, well, their sketchiness.

But they shouldn’t all have to live at the YMCA. Open up your home to them, charge 200 bones a week, lock the pantry and liquor cabinet, and have them spend quality time in your child’s company every night. Hey, the kid might learn a little something about America’s soft underbelly, especially if he’s sharing space with…

Drifters.

Gandhi was a drifter. Kung Fu was a drifter. And now, so are unemployed journalists, who are all grizzled and bitter. And grizzled and bitter is just what your son or daughter needs in his or her life to quell their sense of happiness and wonder in these troubled times.

Your child can hear horrifying stories about “lost weekends, lost opportunities, and big moments stolen by that bitch who got the Friday-night lounge-singing gig because she had a three-way with the head bouncer and the sound guy…”

Sad tales, all, but they need to be heard—especially by children.

Ex-Convicts.

Got that, kid? If anyone in a uniform or suit asks, I'm your uncle.

If anyone in a uniform or suit asks, I'm your uncle.

What better way for your child to earn street cred than by sharing a room with a guy who knocked off a Piggy Wiggly and a car wash on the same day?

Your little darling might hear tales of hustling and heinous behavior in the penitentiary, as well as learn phrases like “love bitch” and “pokey ‘ho,” which he can use to impress his lily-white friends whose family’s biggest offense is not replacing their divots on the golf course.

Circus People.

What child doesn’t want to spend time with midget contortionists, fire-breathers and chain-smoking clowns? They often stay up late honing their crafts and causing grease fires huddled around faulty-wired hot plates—all the while weaving gloriously inspired stories about sexual conquests with jugglers, ringmasters and horses.

And if your child doesn’t like his new living situation, there’s a good chance he’ll spend less time in his room, reducing his odds of being addicted to video games-or going to jail for sexting every girl on his speed dial.

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

jason April 10, 2009 at 7:41 pm

Gandhi was a drifter.

HAHAHHA

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Miss C. April 11, 2009 at 7:06 am

Someone sent me this link saying “Easy ways to make cash during the recession” LOL!!

This site is too funny, thanks for the laugh. You are forgetting one thing though. I’d rather have some strangers sleep over than some of my son’s stinky 12 year old friends.

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Father Knows Worst April 15, 2009 at 9:44 am

@jason: Yeah, he was the lead singer.

@Miss C.: You should ask their parents for hazard pay.

Reply

kitty August 4, 2009 at 6:34 am

I live in the ymca. *wonders if this makes me sketchy*

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