Rule #44: Become Your Kid’s Facebook Friend

It's just like listening in to their phone calls, without the heavy breathing.

It's just like listening in to their phone calls, without the heavy breathing.

All kids, especially teenagers, need emotional security, and nothing gives them greater stability than having a parent as a Facebook friend.

You’ve probably heard that teenagers would rather wear braces and headgear until they’re 40 than have parents tromp around their social turf. That’s complete bullshit.

These protests are cries for attention.

Your teenager may throw his body in front of his computer screen each time you walk by, but really, underneath it all, he wants you there. And nothing will elate him quite like adding you adding him as a friend on Facebook.

The Water Is Warm, Jump in!

Some parents might be a little shy about checking out their teenager’s Facebook profile. The Internet is an intimidating place, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying to create a profile right now, with these handy tips:

Learn the lingo.

After you master the terms you’ll blend right in. For instance, you’ll earn instant credibility amongst your child and his friends when you “Poke” your child’s crush. No one will think it’s awkward. At all.

Interact with others.

Your kid will love reading the innuendo-laden postings you write on your hubby's wall. If they are masochistic.

Your kid will love reading the innuendo-laden postings you write on your hubby's wall. If they are masochistic.

Does your kid have to put on prescription acne medication before he goes to bed? Nothing will bring you closer to your child than announcing this on Facebook.

It’s simple. Just update your Status message with something like: “Johnny’s zit medicine makes him look like the guy from Powder.”

Hilarity will ensue–not mortification, and your child will appreciate all the attention you’ve helped him receive from his circle of friends.

Share family photos.

Your child may be at the awkward age where, well, he looks awkward in every photo you take of him. This may be why the only photo he has on his profile is “artistic” and “obscured” and only shows his face at a strange angle.

(In the world of social networks, these actions are code for “I’m terribly awkward looking” or “I’m really fat, but this was the single greatest photo of me ever taken.”)

Don’t let this lack of expression from your child stop you from posting every single photo you have of him (from bathtub to braces). Your child will think it’s cool that you’re proud of the photos and will probably even give you a shout out in the comments section.

Expand your network.

It may be true that when you and your child are in public, he ignores you like the village drunk, but the rules are vastly different on Facebook.

Your child’s friends will think you’re hip and accept you as one of their own. And if you’re lucky, they’ll even invite you next time they drink underage.

But with great power comes great responsibility, so be careful. Being more popular than your child on Facebook can crush a child’s self-esteem. So if your friend count dwarfs your child, don’t feel like you have to gloat about it.

But if you do, make sure you let everyone know by updating your Status with “Johnny is an effing loser. 48 friends, really?”

Comments

  1. Shell says:

    Oh…this one is pure perfection.

  2. jason says:

    i guess being your kid’s friend on facebook is a shitload better than the alternative: finding them on match.com or somthing

  3. Mark Z. says:

    But wait, that was the whole idea behind my site!

  4. randfish says:

    It’s funny because I’m “friends” with my Mom on just about every social network on the web…

  5. @Shell: Oh stop, you’re gonna make us blush.

    @jason: (Body shivers). Now, THAT, my friend, would be a perfectly good reason to move to Montana and never deal with electricity again.

    @Mark Z.: I hear you man. I was in the same spot when my mom made her number “unlisted.”

    @randfish: Ah, but the question is: Would you have been “friends” with your mom if the Facebook era coincided with your “angsty teen” era. And if you didn’t go through one of those…can I have your autograph and maybe a petri dish of your genes?

  6. This is just too awesome.

  7. Dory says:

    Not five minutes ago I read in Facebook where my nephew posted “Mom threatened to take away my fon” and my husband txtd his mom and ratted him out. She commented back “You can have your ‘fon’ back when your homework is done, punk.” I laughed pretty hard… thank God there was no Facebook when I was a teen!

  8. @ranting parent: Come on, like anyone is going to believe that I didn’t “fake” sign in as someone named “ranting parent” just to throw a “fake” compliment out. (Shit. Gotta stop giving myself away like that.)

    @Dory: Seriously. If there were this many distractions in my teenage existence, I never would have made it to where I am today. (Oh wait…I’m writing this. Bad example)

  9. SillyDad says:

    The only thing worse than having your mommy friend you on Facebook when you’re a teenager is having your mother-in-law friend you when you’re a (supposedly) grown man.
    My life is over.

  10. @SillyDad: My condolences, dear friend. My thoughts and prayers are with you. (And, oh yeah, is nothing sacred in this world??)

  11. OMG…this is ME… I am on there with all of my college drinking buddies… nieces, nephews… have’nt gone as far as letting my 9 year old sign up… but when he does… I will be there with my 1500 friends waiting.,

    FUNNY blog! Found you through scary mommy..

  12. arabella says:

    wow…and to think my parents do half these things *-_-

  13. emilia says:

    it’s not fair my mum and don’t let me on facebook no fair.

  14. MuddynoSugar says:

    Oh this is brilliant, mine are too little just yet…but give it time…Mwahhahahahahah

  15. Beth says:

    OMG – so THIS is why so many of my kids’ friends’ parents ‘befriend’ my college kids on Facebook!! I had no clue it was so very cool! No wonder I am the only parent out there who refuses to hop on the Facebook bandwagon… well, not anymore! I’m going to go create my profile immediately and ask my kids to be my friends – - then I’ll get all their friends names too… yeee hawww!! Wow, won’t THEY be delighted?!
    I just accidently found this website – and I LOVE it!!! :-)

  16. WHIRLYBIRD says:

    Ok, so now i cannot wait to let my son get a fb account. when he does…..HAHAHAHA (evil laugh)
    This website rocks!!

  17. sara says:

    @Jason. How about running into a parent on a dating site? I think it would be much worse than the other way around… Kids are embarrassed more easily!
    Hahaha Great post!

  18. JD says:

    My mom is my friend on facebook. Doesn’t bother me. You should know better than post really private things on your facebook wall, what are emails for??

  19. bethb says:

    Oh I just tag all their pictures…mostly the real good ones. :)

  20. Ella says:

    I’m looking forward to when my daughter joins fb (she’s 5 atm) so I can make lots of noob jokes about her haha not really but I do think it’ll be odd when our kids have only just joined and we’ve already been on it for years compared to how everyones middle aged parents are joining now.

  21. SANDRA says:

    ITS FUNNY CUS MY MOM IS FRIEND WITH ME IN FACEBOOK AND EVERY TIME I WRITE SOMETHING WITH MY FRIENDS HERE COMES THE COMMENT OF MY MOM “SANDRA REMEMBER THE WHOLE WORLD COULD BE WATCHING YOU DIRTY TALK RIGHT NOW, PLEASE CONTROL YOUR TEENAGER EMOTIONS AND KEEP THEM OUT OF FACEBOOK, LOVE MOM”

Speak Your Mind