Rule #43: Feed Your Child Garbage

Trash: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Trash: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Ever since your child has been old enough to cry (age: 3 seconds), he’s been a waste-producing machine.

Leaving a trail of filled diapers and discarded food in his wake, he has produced more waste than a Russian power-plant and has no signs of slowing down.

Which is why you must force the little garbage gremlin to pull his weight by using him to get rid of your trash.

Wait, Isn’t This Disgusting?

You might be thinking this isn’t a good idea, that it’s impractical and your kid could never really make that much of a dent in the heaping pile of waste your household produces. And that’s a natural reaction—and it might be your kid’s, too. At first it will seem a bit awkward and may even make your child sick.

So start with small pieces of garbage and work your way up with these tips:

Be the first on your block to go green

The next time the neighborhood Birkenstock-wearing goofball touts the benefits of his homemade soaps, condemns you for causing global warming, and asks you questions like, “Do you know where your trash like, ends up, man?” you can look him in the eyes and say “Yes, we dispose of it organically—in my kid.” (And you’ll be incredibly popular with the Prius crowd.)

Replace antibiotics with the real thing

When garbage is your pearl, the world is your oyster.

When garbage is your pearl, the world is your oyster.

Most parents will follow their judgment-impaired gut and assume the bacterially infected organisms (a.k.a. table scraps) are not fit for human re-consumption. That’s because most parents are a lot dumber than you.

Indeed, you realize that your child will build up an immunity to all sorts of toxins, eliminating the need for disposable income-draining antibiotics (which come from disgusting things anyway).

Turn a money drain into a revenue stream

Ever since your son was born, he’s had all sorts of pesky expectations he unfairly puts on you: food, clothing (after rejecting the ones you crafted from burlap), a bed, and even a ride to school. Naturally, these cost time and money, so make sure to get your money’s worth from your child before he escape to college.

Not only can you save on costly repairs to things like your garbage disposal and that fancy trash can with the black wheels in the back, but you can also send him around the neighborhood to make a few bucks every time a goldfish dies.

Comments

  1. jason says:

    wow, are those midget homeless people (pic 1) or just really hungry kids?

  2. The Guy says:

    We’ve been dumpster diving for years and have saved enough to recently buy my son a used tricycle, well bicycle since it’s missing one wheel. This article really grabbed my attention but would like to see more emphasis on the nutritional benefits to eating food waste.

  3. SillyDad says:

    I am totally buying in to the “antibiotics drain the bank account” theory and will immediately commence force feeding bacteria laden scraps. In fact, I’m going to let them age a week before feeding, just to maximize micro-organism counts. Since the kids haven’t taken out the garbage in over a week, I’m already well supplied. Thanks!

    You have a very funny site here. Glad I found it.

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