Rule #42: Teach Your Son Slang for His Wang

A wiener by any other name would smell as sweet.

A wiener by any other name would smell as sweet.

In the art of using slang, you consider yourself to be a young, squinty Clint Eastwood. Unfortunately, your son is the equivalent of the stammering Peter Pan.

Obviously, this social ineptitude causes your already goofy child to face the struggle of being accepted by his peers, talking to girls, and being manly in general.

That’s why it’s important to arm your son with an arsenal of private-part slang for his Mr. Jiggle, which will help him…

Deal with emergencies

It’s no secret that chimps have gotten a bad rap lately, what with all the maiming that’s been pinned on the species. In short, everyone is on edge when it comes to monkeys.

So when your son goes on a field trip to the zoo and his class is touring the primate house, his teacher and classmates will be relieved—and his teacher will be assured of his safety—when he grabs his member and declares, “Miss Clayton, my monkey is going on the attack and, oh, it’s going to be ugly—where are the bathrooms?”

Laughter will ensure ensue*. All will be right in the world, knowing that your son’s monkey is perfectly tame, albeit a little ornery from time to time.

Improve communication

When your Johnson itches, and you want to express your frustration, you typically say something like, “My goodness, my Johnson is bothering me, and this itching might cause me to drink earlier today than usual.”

Which is a cue to your spouse, who is most definitely not enamored of your Johnson at the moment, to run out to Walgreen’s and buy powder, tonic, or salve to soothe and otherwise alleviate your affliction. Problem solved.

If you hadn’t used the right terminology, your spouse may have been confused. (If you’d referred to your Johnson as “Big Ed and the Twins,” she wouldn’t have known whether the malady is with Big Ed or the Twins. Clarity is extremely important here.)

The same logic applies—in a more profound way��to your son, who isn’t nearly as expressive or well versed in slang names for his private body parts.

Create harmony with other cultures

Manliness is an art form slowly perfected. Step 1? Wang slang. (Kilts come later)

Manliness is an art form slowly perfected. Step 1? Wang slang. (Kilts come later)

Your son will undoubtedly encounter scores of interesting nationalities in school and during extracurricular activities. These people will sometimes confuse him, but they all speak a common language when it comes to their boy.

When chatting with European exchange students at his school, he should refer to his member as his “Eiffel Tower,” “Big Ben,” or “Cuckoo Clock of Love.” These sophisticated students will quickly acknowledge that their new American friend respects and understands their culture.

And for other cultures, your son can simply toss out names for his member when he thinks it might apply. Favorites include: “Angry Samoan,” “One-Eyed Python,” “Nile River Stick,” and “Shalong”…when he thinks he’s talking to kids who are Indian, Middle Eastern or something pretty damn close.

Pick up babes

For young teens, it’s no secret that girls are impressed when boys are confident enough to talk about their members casually, as if they’re chatting about the weather or cereal.

They’re even more impressed when your son leavens an otherwise awkward first date by joking about his “Ankle Spanker, “Lap Rocket” or “Bishop in a Turtleneck.” By using these colloquialisms, your son shows that he’s “not putting on airs” in front of a young woman, which she will respect immensely.

And if he doesn’t get a second date, it’ll just give him way more quality time with Mr. Jiggle.

{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

jason April 3, 2009 at 11:12 am

now this is a good start, but i fear you are forgetting: schlong; dick; dong; choad; pecker; prick; hog; one-eyed trouser snake, tally-whacker, heat-seeking love missile, beef bayonet, wedding tackle, pork sword, little soldier, baloney poney, my little pony, my other head, power drill, magic wand, joystick, jack hammer, frankfurter, Captain Winkie, summer sausage, jack-in-the-box…to name a few.

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Katie April 3, 2009 at 11:14 am

I am sorry to say I’m appalled by this post. I was a fan of the children on a leash and whatnot but this is crossing the line, even for you. As a parent of 3 boys I do not appreciate language like this. Young people must be brought up to have manners, and I’m sorry to say that your mother and father were obviously not concerned about that when they raised you.

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Marley April 3, 2009 at 11:30 am

Please tell me that Rule #43 will address the proper slang terms for female body parts, I am feeling very left out.

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Darkdust April 3, 2009 at 5:59 pm

This gets particularly interesting when compared to rule #3

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Father Knows Worst April 3, 2009 at 6:53 pm

@jason: Holy shit. We’re not worthy.

@Katie: You’re cute when you’re angry.

@Marley: Unfortunately, corporate thinks we will close down before we get to Rule #43, but if we had the funds to write one, that’s exactly what it would be about.

@Darkdust: Sherlock Holmes better watch out for his day job with you on the case.

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Rachel April 6, 2009 at 10:52 am

i’m not as mad as katie, but i do feel like your blog skews male. we will need a girl-parts post. when i was little, we simple said twat. (my mom was the ring leader, as in “did you wash your twat when you took a bath?”) I would like to suggest cookie for little girls though. much cuter. and while we’re on the topic of cutsey words for things that will gross katie out, can we get a farts post too? we called them dots back in the day.

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jason April 6, 2009 at 11:43 am

Rachel, using the word “cookie” could lead to lots of confusion around snack time., don’t you think? As in, what do you want to eat?

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Anissa@Hope4Peyton April 6, 2009 at 1:22 pm

My 11 yo refers to his as “the tenders”…not sure where that came from, but better than when he was 5 and told everyone my boobs were “funbags” (thanks to my idiot husband)

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Father Knows Worst April 6, 2009 at 1:26 pm

@Anissa: Your 11 year-old is now officially my hero. Also, in that context, wouldn’t “The Tenders” be an excellent name for a band. No, scratch that, how about “Funbag and the Tenders??” It’s got a nice ring to it…

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Mother Shaffer April 6, 2009 at 1:30 pm

Wow, sounds like Jason found his calling. I’m with Rachel and Marley. Post #43 should be all about the female “wang” equivalent (unfortunately, I was brought up Catholic so I have no words to offer on the subject).

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Lizzy April 9, 2009 at 8:27 am

Is it just me or should ensure be ensue?

“Laughter will ensure. All will be right in the world, knowing that your son’s monkey is perfectly tame, albeit a little ornery from time to time.”

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Father Knows Worst April 9, 2009 at 8:42 am

@Lizzy: Wow. Good eye. I really, really need to stop writing these drunk.

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Sarah May 4, 2009 at 2:27 am

A few female slangs… snatch, lips, taco, twat, tutu, flower, lady buns, vajayjay, punani, cooter, chacha, coochie, hooha, beaver, box, miss kitty, junk, lady garden, meat curtain, wizard sleeves, clown car, hot pocket, happy flappy, fanny pack.

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kitty August 4, 2009 at 5:04 am

calling ya pussy a cookie is just wrong. >__>

fail rachel =P

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Brett June 4, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Why do they get to wear kilts?

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