Rule #41: Blame Your Kids for Everything

See, this is where you screwed up my taxes, dipshit.

See this, dipshit? This is where you screwed up our taxes. Thanks.

The economy sucks, your Escort needs new wiper blades, and you’ve developed a sore on your upper lip that looks like some kind of small, angry shell fish.

Amid all of these maladies, it’s clear that you need a scapegoat. And choosing the innocent, the pure, and the powerless is always the best way to go.

That’s why it’s important to blame your child for every shortcoming and bad break you can think of—it’ll make you feel better and steel your child against the unfairness he’ll face later in life.

I’m Not Blaming You, Son, but it’s All Your Fault

It’s completely natural to blame your child for mundane mishaps (burning yourself on open flames, etc.) and run-of-the-mill failures (body odor, chronic halitosis), but it’s even more effective to blame him for things that he couldn’t possibly have anything to do with—again, proving that you’re forever looking for a hollowed-out well to dump 30-odd years of angst-ridden shit, including…

Breaking up with Monica in your early 20s

Honey, stop sitting like that, you're making mommy look like a hooker.

Honey, stop sitting like that, you're making mommy look like a hooker.

God, she was amazing, and she even picked up your dry cleaning and enjoyed plucking wiry black hairs that grew on your shoulder blades.

But you broke up with her for reasons that now seem fuzzy, rendering you bitter—especially when you look at the swath of black carpet on your shoulder blades.

It may seem unreasonable, but it’s perfectly acceptable to blame your child for this. Go ahead, it’ll make you feel better.

Say something like, “If I’d married Monica instead of your mother, I wouldn’t have to go to your stupid clarinet recital tonight. Monica hated the clarinet, so you’re breaking my heart every time you play a note. Thanks a lot, son.”

When you have fits of impotence

It happens to everyone. But it seems to happen to you more—way more. Sure, you could blame your diet, lack of exercise and sleep, or even the fact that you and your spouse can only carve out three minutes a week to touch each other.

Still, it’s easier to blame your kid.

Like so: “Son, mommy and daddy would love to give you another brother or sister, but daddy can’t focus on his baby-making job because he keeps thinking how much money you cost him and how nervous you make him most of the time. So, that makes daddy’s pee-pee resemble a sad anteater, which makes mommy laugh at me and turn on The Daily Show.”

Granted, the blame game might cause your child develop a facial tick, but with therapy and meditation, it’ll fade in his early 20s—when, interestingly, he meets a girl named Monica.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

big daddy April 2, 2009 at 2:34 pm

let’s see, i was skinny, had hair and was getting tail pretty consistently before i had my kids. now all of that has changed. i think they actually are too blame for everything.

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HurlyGirly April 2, 2009 at 6:41 pm

I have blamed my kids for my period, bloatedness, and blotchy skin. So now it’s good to know I can extend the blame to other failures from my past…like that weird encounter in the back of a van around 1991. Love your site!

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Father Knows Worst April 2, 2009 at 7:08 pm

@HurlyGirly: Wait. That was you in that van??

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brent April 3, 2009 at 5:50 am

i can’t believe the second photo actually exists. i’m praying that is photoshopped.

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jason April 3, 2009 at 6:53 am

i don’t think my life would be complete if photo 2 didn’t exist.

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Mother Shaffer April 6, 2009 at 1:18 pm

Cool, so can I also blame my kid for my genetic defects, bad career choices and careless credit card spending? Phew, that’s a load off my mind. Thanks Father!

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Father Knows Worst April 6, 2009 at 1:28 pm

@brent, @jason: Not only does the photo exist, but there were a bunch of other similar ones. Yes, this world is a worse place because of Flickr.com.

@Mother Shaffer: High-five! Think about this: If the kids never came along, wouldn’t you be waaayyy less distracted? I mean, sure, you’d still make mistakes, but they’d come in the form of too many drinks and situations where your morals cave. Those are the GOOD kind of problems to have.

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