Rule #40: Keep Your Kid in a Helmet 24/7

A life on the sidelines keeps your kid scar-free. Physically, at least.

A life on the sidelines keeps your kid scar-free. Physically, at least.

Paranoia is incredibly underrated, especially when it comes to protecting your clumsy-ass children.

And there’s no better body part to be paranoid about than a kid’s melon, which is soft and fleshy and ripe for all manner of fatal injuries, no matter how far-fetched they may be.

Clearly, your child’s precious head needs safeguarding with an industrial-strength helmet, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Sure, your efforts might embarrass your children and contribute to their social status as fruity pariahs, but we figure it’s better than a plastic bubble—or worse—a lifetime of pain and physical suffering.

Danger Lurks Everywhere

Helmets just aren’t for skateboarding, biking and the athletic kids any longer. Indeed, thousands of well-intentioned parents are cradling their kids’ craniums in hard plastic for treacherous activities, including…

Going to Church

No church or denomination is safe—think about the number of weak-kneed folks who faint in church due to stagnant air caused by church-lady perfume or Sunday-eggs-and-sausage-laced flatulence. When said parties fall on your child, he might be bruised and suffer from night terrors for a few years, but his head will be unscathed.

On the Playground at School

Freeze tag and hopscotch are the scourges of most American playgrounds. If the local school districts aren’t going to ban these incredibly dangerous pastimes, you can certainly do something about it: Make sure his teacher fastens and secures a helmet on your child every day during recess.

Naturally, his classmates (and even the teacher) may toss pebbles off of his helmet and refer to him as the “gay Prince Valiant” for kicks, but you’ll know that young Bobby is safe from sticks and especially stones, and that names will never hurt him…physically.

To Bed

Bedtime will be awkward and uncomfortable at first, but at least they'll never die from sleepwalking.

Bedtime will be awkward at first, but at least they'll never die from sleepwalking.

Despite the triple layer of goose-down pillows, padded guardrails and countless stuffed animals you’ve used to prevent any nocturnal mishaps, sleeping quarters—otherwise known as the bedroom—still aren’t safe places.

A fall of just inches could devastate his head, and a bout of sleepwalking, complete with wall collisions or agitated door humping, could render your child senseless or, worse, a headless, mangled pulp.

You’re better off just outfitting him with a $200 helmet with a heavy plastic visor so he can dream about the humiliation he’ll face the next day—and for the rest of his life with you.

Comments

  1. jason says:

    there was a kid in our neighborhood who’s mom made him wear a bike helmet when we played football. ironically, we all used to run up behind him and hit him on top of his helmeted head as hard as we could because we knew it couldn’t possibly hurt him with that giant helmet on. so, yeah, his mom really screwed him over there.

  2. Brain Damage says:

    Helmets are for pussies.

  3. Tim says:

    Um, Um, couldn’t you suffocate a child in a triple layer of feathery downy goodness? That’s why my child sleeps on a specially heated slab of rubber. Keep up your important safety tips. It keeps America strong.

  4. Rex says:

    This is the stupidest idea that I have ever heard off.

  5. tim says:

    Stupid like a fox.

  6. Mcfly says:

    Yeah, I was poor growing up, but I was really athletic. I was constantly getting banged up. My mom couldn’t afford to buy the rad GI Joe helmet that I really wanted so she made me a helmet. It was way cooler than anything my friends had. In fact, I’m still wearing it when I compete today.
    fat guy in helmet

  7. Zsadist says:

    lol @ the photo best blog ever!

  8. Natasha Richardson says:

    Don’t underestimate the power of helmets.

    What, too soon?

  9. brent says:

    wow. did someone really sign in as natash richardson? get your head checked, sicko.

  10. @jason: Helmets are like giant targets to kids. Plus, how can you resist the urge to knock on the helmet and ask if anybody is home.

    @Brain Damage: Clever. I see what you did there.

    @Tim: Heated slab of rubber? I’m in. Where do you order those? With a heated slab of rubber, you don’t even need to bother potty-training.

    @Rex: Off what?

    @tim: Nice.

    @Mcfly: Seriously, can I have your autograph?

    @Zsadist: Do you find it annoying that the little red line comes up under your name when you type it in?

  11. Kate says:

    yessssssssssssssssssssssss. I have found my people!

  12. @Kate: Shit. Your turn. I’ll count to 30 and come looking.

  13. Lindsay says:

    Hey hey hey i think i might have dated the guy with the chicken bucket on his head, at some point. :/

    Excellent, as always :D

    x

  14. @Lindsay: I thought he looked a little heartbroken. And constipated.

  15. December says:

    I think I should get my husband a helmet instead of the kids. OR I should wear a helmet around them. As a mommy of three very rowdy boys, Ive taken many near fatal hits to the dome, errant flying computers (no joke) and tennis balls. Sigh.

  16. kitty says:

    I want the chicken bucket man.

    He’s hot.

    <3

Trackbacks

  1. [...] no longer run at recess; they wear helmets for everything; and they even insist on using a local anesthesia for mild bone [...]

  2. [...] if the world is overrun by Cybermen or something. Then again, if I had to be wearing a helmet 24/7, I might blend in pretty [...]

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