Rule #39: Carry Your Baby in a Bag

in Rules of Parenting

Please remember not to use plastic.

Please remember not to use plastic.

Your baby is a bulky burden that selfishly expects you to take care of his every need.

You may not mind the occasional feeding or even pushing him around in a stroller at the park (as long as you get to ogle hot joggers).

But, like most of us, what you probably can’t stand is carrying your child everywhere you need to go.

Carrying him around all the time makes you tired, cranky and disdainful of his presence—which may encourage you to drop him or put him up as collateral in a poker game.

As a busy person, you can’t allow the pathetically slow development of your child’s motor skills make you less productive, especially when it comes to the important things in life.

That’s why it’s important to embrace a new era of fashion and efficiency and carry your baby around in a bag.

Hey, What’s in the Bag?

No matter what your lifestyle demands, inserting your child into a bag means he won’t slow you down, and you can focus on doing what you do best with these guidelines:

For the Bitchy Soccer Mom

You’re an “on-the-go” mom, so why should you have to sacrifice an ounce of productivity and an actual arm for the trivial purpose of toting a whiny 4-month-old around?

Strap young Felicity into a stylish designer baby bag that matches your earrings and frees up your arms for the more important tasks in life, such as carrying your Venti, soy, no-foam latte, and your fashionable iPhone.

For the You-Can’t-Stop-My-Workout Dad

Free up your hands for more important things. Like two beers.

Free up your hands for more important things. Like two beers.

Ever since you sired your child, the only lifting you’ve been doing is heaving your belly over your belt.

You keep telling yourself you’ll get back to the gym once Timothy is old enough to work (around age 5), but you know the elliptical is a mirage in the desert of your life…well, not anymore.

Advances in technology have made it possible to stay in shape despite having kids.

Next time you want to go to the gym but have Timothy slowing you down, strap him in an athletic-style baby bag and get your workout on.

Think about it: You’ll always have a spotter on the bench press and, with today’s moisture technology, the bag can actually absorb your sweat—or Timothy’s scalding piss.

For the Scantily-Clad-Wannabe-Hooker Mom

You know you’re still hot and you want to share this knowledge with the world. But, as usual, the damn baby is distracting the men at the grocery store who would otherwise be undressing you with their eyes.

Strike a compromise between your maternal duties and your duty to the world to look hot: Wear the baby bag as your outfit—that’s right, only the bag.

This way, you won’t hear from those pesky child-service agencies when you leave Felicity in the produce aisle as you strut your stuff. And the best part? Creepy men with strange fetishes can still proposition you.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

jason March 9, 2009 at 9:54 am

when i’m at the airport i save money by bringing my kid on the plane in a duffel bag.

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Jenn aka Future Mama March 9, 2009 at 10:34 am

Haha! Yes, I think there is a market for this! Maybe I’ll even buy one someday!

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Mcfly March 9, 2009 at 11:19 am

Midget in a baby carrierI don’t have kids of my own but I didn’t want to miss out on all the fun. That’s why I hired a midget to fill the void in my papoose.

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Freddie March 9, 2009 at 1:17 pm

Most of the time you’re right on target with these posts, but I’ve got to disagree with you on this one. Those baby carriers can be a lifesaver.

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anne March 30, 2009 at 4:10 pm

I havelaughed at most of these posts but this one just doesn’t cut it…

using baby carriers make it so much easier on the arms and back when the baby needs to be in arms….and when you live a in a city with subways with no elevators or moving stairs and crowded buses you would be crazy to use a stroller!!

they need to be used more, not less!!

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Father Knows Worst April 2, 2009 at 2:05 pm

@jason: Do you have trouble getting that through security?

@Jenn aka Future Mama: Why buy one when you can make your own out of paper towels?

@Mcfly: You are a genius even if you made that up and Photoshopped the photo. Which clearly, you did not.

@Freddie, @anne: Maybe if my damn kid didn’t take up so much time and attention I’d be better at getting these right. Plus, you bring up a good point that I didn’t consider: Strollerism. People use those effers as battering rams. Maybe that’ll be a future post – and maybe, just maybe, I won’t royally screw that one up. Hey, I said “maybe.”

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SillyDad April 17, 2009 at 12:21 pm

I believe it is now referred to as “baby wearing.” Really.

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kitty August 4, 2009 at 4:43 am

Marry me Jason.

lmfao

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