Rule #37: Don’t Let Anyone Touch Your Baby

If people touch your baby, your baby will get dirty. And you’ll have to throw him away.

If people touch your baby, your baby will get dirty. And you’ll have to throw him away.

The gurgling life form that emerged from your womb is about as close to perfection as the heavens will allow.

He is pure. He is delicate. And he is so unbelievably precious that scholars in dusty lofts drinking double lattes are trying come up with new words to describe this child of yours as you read this.

Meanwhile, nearly every canker-lipped, grubby-handed person in the Northern Hemisphere very much wants to hold, kiss, poke and coddle your baby.

It is their mission, as if every new life has to be indoctrinated into their filthy little worlds where disease and pestilence are happy bedfellows. Oh, and most of these people happen to be family members, coworkers, neighbors, and the creepy produce guy at the grocery store.

That’s why it’s really only safe for you—and maybe your husband after he’s applied rubbing alcohol to most of his body—to hold your baby. You really can’t be too careful.

This will allow you to bond with your offspring and help him develop a healthy distrust of, well…everyone, which will come in handy by the time he’s old enough to be beaten to a paranoid pulp in preschool.

He’s Just Not That Into Anyone Else

Remember how the ghouls from “Night of the Living Dead” kept storming the safe house like hungry bitch hounds pursuing a bloody fox? Think of your baby as the fox. The bitch hounds won’t stop, but these tactics might help:

Transport your baby in a mini Popemobile.

No one will come near your kid in this thing. Unless they mistake him for a crack dealer. It's worth the risk.

No one will come near your kid in this thing. Unless they mistake him for a crack dealer.

If the pontiff, sporting a super-cool spangled tall hat, can keep the great unwashed from touching him, you can pull it off with your baby.

Construct a mobile transport device that resembles a cross between the Popemobile™ and the jewelry counter at Macy’s. Safety tip: don’t forget to poke holes in it for a little oxygen.

Let your baby do the talking.

Though your infant can barely mutter monosyllabic grunts, that doesn’t have to mean she can’t speak up for herself to the filthy-fingered freaks who want to pinch her cheeks. Have your infant don tee shirts with clever slogans that will repel the leper proletariat, such as:

“Handle with Care: Actually, Don’t Handle at All, You Filthy Bastard.”

“I’ve Got a Weird Disease and it is Very Contagious.”

“Want to Touch Me? Show Me a 10-Foot Pole and I’ll Put You on the Waiting List”

“Beware: This Diaper is One Grunt From Being Overflowed.”

Disguise your child as an odd growth or painful goiter.

No one needs to see your baby, so wrap him in breathable gauze and attach him to a part of body that connotes “odd medical growth.” If you strap him to your neck, wrist, hip or thigh and pretend you’re in constant pain, most people will assume you’re afflicted with a freakish boil, goiter or unspeakable medical malady. Voila! You’re a leper—and the baby is concealed as you grocery shop uninterrupted or go to the gym and find that everyone clears a path for you in the aerobics class.

And most importantly, no one will touch your baby. Or look at you. Ever again.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

edie March 3, 2009 at 2:31 pm

wait, so are you saying i shouldn’t hand my baby off to those very nice men hanging out in front of 7-Eleven every time i go in?? it’s just so hard to juggle 2 forties, a carton of VA slims and a squirmy, big-headed baby.

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rachel March 3, 2009 at 2:39 pm

babies are stupid

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Andrew March 3, 2009 at 4:13 pm

The only babies I handle are the ones at work. I’m a garbage man.

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Father Knows Worst March 5, 2009 at 3:33 pm

@edie: Well, they are technically looking for your money, and since you can sell babies at a hefty mark-up, you’re basically giving them the same thing, with a little work involved. But hey, everyone’s gotta earn their money somehow. That’s what you meant…right?

@rachel: Seriously. And people STILL go crazy for them. Last time I drooled in public, cried when I didn’t get my way and mumbled some garbled phrases I ended up spending a night in jail. Babies do the same thing and people give them saving’s bonds. Bullshit.

@Andrew: By then they’re already fairly soiled, so I wouldn’t be too worried about touching them with your hands. Just don’t pick your nose as much.

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jason March 5, 2009 at 3:35 pm

if you really think about it, the “disguising your baby as a painful growth” really isn’t stretching reality too far. they’re like a detachable growth as it is.

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Dory March 8, 2009 at 2:25 pm

You must have met my sister-in-law. Only she’s worse.

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mamajama March 9, 2009 at 12:41 pm

OMG! edie, what on earth is WRONG with you? You do NOT under ANY circumstances juggle your 40s! They can break! Put the slims in the kids diaper and leave them at the counter! Honestly, some people…

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edie March 9, 2009 at 5:42 pm

i used to keep my cigarettes in my baby’s diaper. until she shit on them. naturally, i made her hand-wash every single one of them so i could still smoke ‘em. now she knows to hold it until we get home.

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lmao@ediescomment June 2, 2009 at 11:10 am

both of them

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kitty August 4, 2009 at 4:34 am

I’m starting to think leashes aren’t such a bad idea. That way I can drag/ I mean walk the kid and carry my booze and smokes safely. Even better, get a mini popemobile (read shoebox on wheels) to keep it safe so no one touches it accidentally. That way I can tow it on a leash… oooh and I’ll have a handy holder when I’m sick of carrying the booze :D

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