Rule #28: Practice Random Nudity

Some call it a plumber's crack. We call it a good start.

Some call it a plumber's crack. We call it a good start.

By the time your children turn 8, their worst fear is seeing you naked.

In fact, they would rather see you in prison than see your exposed, special parts—which could trigger night terrors that could last well into adulthood.

That’s a reasonable assumption, given the mottled flesh you tote around. But you’re extremely proud of and comfortable with your body, and there’s no good reason why the rest of the world—or at least your immediate family—shouldn’t relish it, too.

While you’re not all that relaxed sharing emotions with your children, you’re absolutely fine baring parts of yourself that should be covered by yards of heavy, plastic-lined fabric.

You learned in college that being indiscriminately nude, especially when you have no good reason to be, builds a kind of lazy confidence. That’s exactly what you want for your children. By seeing you naked, they’ll also learn that life is unpredictable, incredibly embarrassing, and forever yielding sights that are better left in the pages of National Geographic or the New England Journal of Medicine.

Hey, It’s Only Natural

Americans are entirely too uptight about matters of the flesh. This is your opportunity as a carefree nudist to help your family refocus on “what’s really important in life”—especially in these instances:

When holding pointless conversations with strangers in public places…

You’ve just finished showering at the neighborhood gym, and your kids are in tow. Don’t bother going back to the privacy of your locker and toweling off discretely. Your kids—especially pre-teens—will love it when you dry yourself off in the locker room’s main traffic area, one leg propped up on a bench to air out “your boys,” and hold an hour-long conversation with a stranger about radial tires. You’ll score bonus points for coolness with your children if you blow-dry your nethers in front of the mirror.

When you wander from the shower at home…

You’re into looking good all the time, and hair conditioner helps—so when there’s none in the shower, you instinctively go on a naked prowl to hunt some down. If you run into one of your kids in the hallway and she doesn’t run away shrieking, break the awkward tension by making a game of it. Say something like, “Hey, Heather, I’m going to do some jumping jacks—bet you can’t count the number of moles on my body!” Kids will respect and eventually mimic your confidence—and they’ll love the challenge of sprucing up their math skills.

When the pool water feels pretty damn good…

Oh quit acting like you've never seen one before.

Oh quit acting like you've never seen one before.

Hey, it’s your pool, and it’s in YOUR back yard, so why shouldn’t you be able to lose the laundry and swim a few laps with your unencumbered rudder? And so what if your kids’ friends are there—it’s 7 o’clock on Saturday night, for crying out loud—shouldn’t they be home in bed or something? And so what if you’ve had a few beers. And so what if you can’t find your towel. And so what if the only artificial loincloth you can find is a Schlitz tall boy. And so what if someone calls the cops because you’re naked—remember, you’re carefree, and you’re trying to focus—really hard—on what’s important in life.

The only problem, of course, is that everyone thinks it’s really important in life to keep you from taking your clothes off.

Comments

  1. I usually wake up the kids in the nude. Keeps those annoying sleepovers down to a minimum and lately, they’re up before I get there!

  2. Rachel says:

    my parents talk smugly of going to nude beaches (even now) but i still remember when showers with my dad stopped. I think i pointed at his “rudder” and wanted to know what it was. nothing like a snoopy three year old to ruin the fun.

  3. jason says:

    Well, this certainly would take a lot of balls to point off. In some cases at least.

  4. Ethan says:

    I do have a fear of see’ing my mom naked. my dad not so much because i have a penis too. Who the hell lets their kids’ see their stuff? that’s almost like a form of child molestation.

  5. Richie Nowak says:

    Sweet…..I also practice random profanity. Know what I fuckin’ mean ??

  6. Bruce says:

    A lot of the draw towards nudity in the media today stems from its censorship from a young age. From the time he is small, a child is taught that nudity is taboo, that clothes are always necessary, and that anything hidden or covered is private. Children are taught that nudity is not acceptable and these children then grow to become adults who have a fetish for the naked body. You can stop the effects of this modern trend away from nudity by bringing up your children in a healthy nudist environment. Your children will come to appreciate the naked body for more than just a sexual icon. You can do this by learning how to practice nudity in your family.
    Step 1
    Encourage nudity at home. Children are not born with the understanding of modesty. That is something that parents engrain in children from a very young age. In order to practice nudity in your family, you will need to help your children to understand that nudity is acceptable. More so, your children will need to understand that nakedness is just part of life, and they should see nothing wrong or taboo with the act of going unclothed. Children should not feel self-conscious or uncomfortable when they’re naked so ensure that healthy nudity is accepted and encouraged within your home.
    Step 2
    Make nudity seem natural. From the time your children are born, you should let them see you in your natural form. That is, let your child see you doing some things unclothed – bathing, dressing, using the washroom or just relaxing. You will convey the message to your child that nudity is a natural way of being and is nothing to be embarrassed about. Of course, you will need to teach your children that clothing is necessary in certain situations (so you can fit in with societal norms or be shielded from the weather).
    Step 3
    Make nudity convenient. Once your children start to grow into their toddler years, you can encourage the practice of nudity in your family by allowing children to go bare while they are potty training. While this may lead to a few accidents, bare potty training will quickly teach your child the need to use the toilet. As well, if you live in a warm or arid climate, you can practice nudity in your family during the hotter seasons and this will save you major money on air conditioning. You can also teach your children how to save money and energy this way.
    Step 4
    Practice nudity together. The best way to teach your children to value nudity is to practice it as a family. You can do this by going nude as a family around the home. If you have an activity or a focal point that your family can participate in together, this will reinforce your nudist values within your children. A swimming pool, hot tub or sauna are excellent spots where the whole family can come together to practice nudity.

  7. Anon says:

    There’s nothing wrong with nudity, it’s only people like yourself that make it into something nasty with your obsession of the status quo and cultural norms.

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