Rule #22: Dress Like Your Teenage Daughter

in Rules of Parenting

We bet you’ll even get carded at the liquor store...to see if you’re wanted for prostitution.

We bet you’ll even get carded at the liquor store...to see if you’re wanted for prostitution.

You may have noticed that your teenage daughter is younger and inordinately hotter than you. Perhaps most important, you’ve noticed how much attention she gets from teenage boys and older, boldly leering men who should, in fact, be boldly leering at you.

Like almost every mother, you’re brimming with jealousy and envy. But you learned a long time ago that the proper outfit can make all the difference. And nothing says, “I Still Got the Goods” more than dressing like your teenage daughter. Yes, exactly like her.

She’ll appreciate the flattery (isn’t imitation the sincerest form?), and you’ll turn heads like never before as you announce to the world, “Hey, check me out. I’m so comfortable in my skin that I want to show you as much of it as possible—with a fashion sense that’s a cross between Miley Cyrus and the Pussycat Dolls, only with way more chafing.”

If the Dress (Kind of) Fits, Wear It

Ditch the Mommy Dearest garb and begin some new fashion strategies, which will help you bond with your teenage daughter and deliver the attention you deserve:

Shop at Abercrombie/Fitch, Forever 21, and those mall kiosks that hawk half tee shirts with sexual references to candy printed on the front.

If you’re going to shake what her grandma gave you, it’s important to buy at stores featuring clothes worn by young, nubile waifs with wholesome yet sulking expressions and the diets of a praying mantis. While you are most definitely not one of these people, it’s still fine to commit your flesh to the difficult geometry of fitting it through openings made for junior sizes. You’ll earn nothing but respect for trying.

One word: Spandex.

Yes. They’ll stare at you, too. Just like they stare at this trainwreck...

Yes. They’ll stare at you, too. Just like they stare at this train wreck...

Lots of women who are not teenagers modestly wear spandex pants underneath other garments such as running shorts. This defeats the purpose of the stretchy wonder-fabric. Indeed, if you want the attention you deserve—at the levels teenage girls routinely get—proudly wear pink or flesh-colored spandex with lettering emblazoned across the ass that reads: “DESPERATE.” Or perhaps, “FAILED MARRIAGE.”

It’s important to don this space-age fabric when you’re NOT working out; instead, go on display when you have the great chance to produce a leer—bending over to browse the dessert window at Starbucks, continuously riding the escalators at the mall, and using, over and over again, the hand-crank pencil sharpener at your child’s back-to-school night.

Somewhat tawdry? Sure. Attention grabbing and showing your daughter how her mother still has it? Absolutely.

Don’t breathe much.

The tighter the clothing, the harder it is to breathe. The harder it is to breathe, the less you will inhale. The less you inhale, the less you realize the waistline of your pants feels an awful lot like a rubber-band around a sperm whale. If you restrict your breathing to, say, one or two times a minute, you’ll be a little more light-headed but not nearly as aware of the Size 2 blue jeans and leather tank top that are cutting off circulation to your feet and severely limiting motor skills.

Moderation is not the key.

Your daughter is a Shirley Temple. You are a vintage wine. Intoxicate the world. Because after seeing you, the world will need a stiff drink.

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

jason January 6, 2009 at 11:36 am

purr, cougar, purrrr.

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bloggingmom67 January 7, 2009 at 7:23 am

As usual, your blog gives me a chuckle as I start work on this miserble icy/snowy day.

It reminds me of a co-workers who is well into her 60s and still dresses like she’s in her 20s. She has the figure for it, but no one really wants to see a short skirt on saggy flesh (even saggy flesh on a pretty tiny body.)

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Father Knows Worst January 7, 2009 at 8:18 am

@Jason: That must be a typo. I think you meant “puke, cougar, puke.”

@bloggingmom67: I’m surprised the opening image didn’t add to your misery, but I’m glad to know it hasn’t. By the way, CNN just broke a story that could make the combination of short skirts and saggy flesh a felony in 11 states.

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Rachel January 7, 2009 at 8:53 am

I’m very sad to say that I have a black skirt EXACTLY like the one in that picture. Except not leather. It’s embroidered, so eases the slut factor. I wore it once in Vegas when I was 25, and now it hangs in my closet waiting for the day when I pop a sprog and can duly embarrass him/her. I will not, however, wear it with a pink bra under red leather. That’s just tacky.

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marty allen January 7, 2009 at 11:02 am

DON’T BREATHE MUCH!
Doctor: When does it hurt?
Men: Only when she breathes

I’ll be on the look-out for the gasping out-of-water wales in spandex at the mall

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Father Knows Worst January 7, 2009 at 11:52 am

@Rachel: Pink bra under red leather…you’re absolutely right. That’s a Valentine no one wants to open…sober.

@marty allen: It’s good to hear you accepting your civic duty. If you see said beached whales at your local mall, approach them slowly, as they startle very easily. You don’t want to spook them. Hold out your hand in a welcoming manner, and splash a little water on their face. Just don’t give them a hug. It makes it much worse.

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Novelty Gifts January 12, 2009 at 6:00 am

Purrrrrr! Nice blog, Will keep track.

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Sarcastica January 23, 2009 at 11:43 am

“Hey, check me out. I’m so comfortable in my skin that I want to show you as much of it as possible—with a fashion sense that’s a cross between Miley Cyrus and the Pussycat Dolls, only with way more chafing.” best line ever! lmao

Reply

Cat DeCenzo September 2, 2010 at 7:03 am

Hey, I have that outfit! What. Only thing I couldn’t find are thongs in size L. Damn cotton grannies just don’t work with that slit showing my peekachu.

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