Rule #18: Harass Youth League Umpires

What are you, the Vienna Boys Choir? This is a youth league basketball game. Yell. Throw stuff.

What are you, the Vienna Boys' Choir? This is a youth league basketball game. Yell. Throw stuff.

Somewhere between getting cut from a beer-league softball team and drafting a high-stakes fantasy-football squad, you became a bitter douche bag about sports.

Check that. You became a bitter douche bag with a sports agenda. And that agenda usually entails letting most of the free world know that your prepubescent children are superstar athletes.

Anyone who doesn’t see the pure genius of your child’s athletic skills—especially volunteer referees and umpires—should be appropriately scolded. Publicly.

So, we suggest screaming, loudly and frequently, at youth league umpires. This proves to your children that you love and support them, and that you’re willing to make a braying jackass of yourself in public to fulfill all their athletic dreams.

Go Ahead, Be a Total Dick

You’ve developed a truly wonderful view of what youth sports represents to children and the community, so it’s important to express how you feel during games. Screaming is effective, especially if it’s complemented by other random acts of parental gamesmanship:

Bring your own whistle.

Let’s be honest, youth umpires don’t deserve the tubs of money they make. They’ll routinely blow calls and their ineptitude will ultimately result in your child (the Second Coming of LeBron) not getting attention from scouts at the high-profile junior-highs.

The simple solution is to blow. Hard. Not only will other parents applaud you for helping to referee the game, but each tweet of the whistle from the bleachers will be a subtle reminder to your child that you are always there for him, even when he’s asked you not to be.

Fake a stroke, seizure or panic attack.

If all else fails, charge the field. No teenage referee on earth will stand in your way.

If all else fails, charge the field. No teenage referee on earth will stand in your way.

When the momentum of a game changes against your child, there’s nothing more distracting than a fan suffering a life-threatening event. Mumble. Speak in tongues. Drool. Clutch your heaving chest. If no one pays attention, soil yourself…then toss the treat to center court.

Narrate the game from the bleachers.

There’s nothing other spectators appreciate more than an obnoxious voice commenting on a game they’re watching. Your keen insight will entertain and educate fans, players, coaches and referees alike.

To the volunteer father keeping the game-clock: “My goddamn broken ass watch can keep time better than you.”

To the athletically-challenged kid at the free-throw line: “This idiot can’t even make his bed, let alone a free throw,” followed with starting a “BENCH HIS ASS, BENCH HIS ASS” chant.

And of course, to the teenage referee: “Get off your knees, sissy-boy, you’re blowing the game.” (Follow this with an offer to meet him in the parking lot to deal with it like “real men.”)

Steal the ball and go home.

This is a return to your un-sportsmanlike roots, when, as a child, you’d end everyone’s fun by tucking the basketball under your chubby arm and marching off the playground in a sanctimonious huff.

Do it during one your child’s games, and you’ll get all nostalgic—and everyone will have the same opinion of you as the neighborhood kids did 20 years ago: you’re a bitter douche bag.

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Lindsay December 19, 2008 at 12:31 pm

Hahahahhahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!Hilarious as usual! I loved.. “Anyone who doesn’t see the pure genius of your child’s athletic skills—especially volunteer referees and umpires—should be appropriately scolded. Publicly.” :)

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Shell December 19, 2008 at 12:49 pm

Your blog is a massive distraction to my productivity. “Fake a stroke” and “Charge the field…” snort….

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Rachel December 19, 2008 at 1:10 pm

this touches on my favorite parenting subject: “asshole parents at their kid’s sporting events.” unfortunately for parents, every parent at their kid’s sporting event is an asshole. I’m not a parent. I don’t go to any sporting events in any leagues ever bc i think sports are lame except for $10 tix to baseball bc you can leave any time without feeling guilty. But I had 7 foot tall NBA player in the back of my red hyundai once with his 6-foot-tall mom in front and she was the douchiest parent ever.

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Rachel December 19, 2008 at 1:10 pm

and john madden is gross. why does he have yellow hair?

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Richard Cranium December 19, 2008 at 1:15 pm

This tops them all !!!

I would be absolutely howling, except for the fact these people actually exist!!! And, we have to coexist with them!!!

I can’t tell you the amount of times I have heard the story about “how the referee blew the game for us!” That one is a classic!

Why do we all have to be infiltrated by these people ?!!!

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semaj December 19, 2008 at 1:34 pm

funny stuff there sir silly, but your forgetting the “other half”. Parents who heckle the judges at the spelling bee and the always overlooked “stalking the Science Fair judge who screwed your kid over” parents. I can’t wait for the beauty pageant peeps to get theirs…certainly they’re next??????

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Silk December 19, 2008 at 1:36 pm

Show stopper !!!!! Pandora’s Box has been laid bare !!! Priceless !!!!
Friggin’ hilarious !!!!

Welcome to the Idiocracy of America !!! The movie “Dumb and Dumber”
needs a sequel. It is called “Dumb, Dumber and the Dumbest”. It is
all about everything that is wrong with society in America!! The
storyline is all thanks to society’s underbelly being lanced wide open
in the legendary “Really Bad Parenting Advice” column!!!!

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edie January 26, 2009 at 11:48 am

i’m wondering if the two ladies in the bottom picture ended up actually tackling the kids

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Maddison September 10, 2010 at 7:23 pm

Stupid people. If you’re going to bag out the umpires because you think they’re sh*t, go and volunteer to be one yourself. Then see how you like it. Fine, go talk darkly about them in the comfort of your own home, but not publicily, because it just pisses us umpires off and makes us just more likely to unfavour your children.

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