Rule #18: Harass Youth League Umpires

Somewhere between getting cut from a beer-league softball team and drafting a high-stakes fantasy-football squad, you became a bitter douche bag about sports.

Check that. You became a bitter douche bag with a sports agenda. And that agenda usually entails letting most of the free world know that your prepubescent children are superstar athletes.

Anyone who doesn’t see the pure genius of your child’s athletic skills—especially volunteer referees and umpires—should be appropriately scolded. Publicly.

So, we suggest screaming, loudly and frequently, at youth league umpires. This proves to your children that you love and support them, and that you’re willing to make a braying jackass of yourself in public to fulfill all their athletic dreams.

Go Ahead, Be a Total Dick

You’ve developed a truly wonderful view of what youth sports represents to children and the community, so it’s important to express how you feel during games. Screaming is effective, especially if it’s complemented by other random acts of parental gamesmanship:

Bring your own whistle.

Let’s be honest, youth umpires don’t deserve the tubs of money they make. They’ll routinely blow calls and their ineptitude will ultimately result in your child (the Second Coming of LeBron) not getting attention from scouts at the high-profile junior-highs.

The simple solution is to blow. Hard. Not only will other parents applaud you for helping to referee the game, but each tweet of the whistle from the bleachers will be a subtle reminder to your child that you are always there for him, even when he’s asked you not to be.

Fake a stroke, seizure or panic attack.

When the momentum of a game changes against your child, there’s nothing more distracting than a fan suffering a life-threatening event. Mumble. Speak in tongues. Drool. Clutch your heaving chest. If no one pays attention, soil yourself…then toss the treat to center court.

Narrate the game from the bleachers.

There’s nothing other spectators appreciate more than an obnoxious voice commenting on a game they’re watching. Your keen insight will entertain and educate fans, players, coaches and referees alike.

To the volunteer father keeping the game-clock: “My goddamn broken ass watch can keep time better than you.”

To the athletically-challenged kid at the free-throw line: “This idiot can’t even make his bed, let alone a free throw,” followed with starting a “BENCH HIS ASS, BENCH HIS ASS” chant.

And of course, to the teenage referee: “Get off your knees, sissy-boy, you’re blowing the game.” (Follow this with an offer to meet him in the parking lot to deal with it like “real men.”)

Steal the ball and go home.

This is a return to your un-sportsmanlike roots, when, as a child, you’d end everyone’s fun by tucking the basketball under your chubby arm and marching off the playground in a sanctimonious huff.

Do it during one your child’s games, and you’ll get all nostalgic—and everyone will have the same opinion of you as the neighborhood kids did 20 years ago: you’re a bitter douche bag.

Tagged as: embarrassing your child, scarring children's memories, telling kids they suck