Rule #16: Put Your Child on a Supermodel Diet

in Rules of Parenting

No one likes a chubby kid. Except for maybe Ronald McDonald. And no one likes him.

No one likes a chubby kid. Except for maybe Ronald McDonald.

Let’s face it. There are a lot of fat kids out there these days. And there’s nothing more embarrassing than being the parent of one. Sure, your kid keeps in decent enough shape, but if you’re really honest with yourself, you know your child is only a couple Twinkies away from appearing as a guest on an obesity-themed episode of Maury Povich.

But you’d rather be safe than have tubby children, because that would be a lousy reflection on you. This means you should put your child on a supermodel diet, because exercise, for what its worth, isn’t what your family is about—unless we’re talking races to the sprawling buffet at Ponderosa.

It’s All About the Nutritional Cat Walk, Baby

Supermodels may pout and frown without provocation, but those frowns are NOT associated with malnutrition. In fact, they are pictures of nutritional health, and your children can replicate their low-calorie diets quite easily without getting too worked up about growth charts, their body mass index or other developmental nonsense. Some popular ideas include:

Play the Milan supermodel game: “Bite the Air, Taste the Steam.”

Instead of wasting your child���s time by eating, cook a big meal for yourself and have the scents waft throughout the house. Then, like true supermodels, your children can skip eating and simply nibble on the scented air in the kitchen and taste the steam coming from the meatloaf or beef tenderloin.
(Calories: 0. Grams of fun: 1,000.)

They get the wrapper, you get the rest.

If you're generous, let your kid lick your empty candy wrappers. You're damn right it's a fun size.

If you're generous, let your kid lick your empty candy wrappers. You're damn right it's a fun size.

You’ve clearly given up on your own body, so next time you’re devouring a Milky Way bar encourage your kids to lick the remnant chocolate off the paper before you devour it. You can extend this concept to TV-dinners, microwavable popcorn bags and any other plastic-wrapped delight you may encounter.
(Calories: 1. Grams of paper-pulp fiber: 500.)

Toast the new diet with club soda and an organic soy-broth chaser.

You know what kind of crap is in whole milk and juice (not to mention bacteria-laced tap water), so have your kids guzzle a club soda-broth combo, a favorite with supermodels who generally don’t care about bone density. And please, don’t get all excited and overdo the broth.
(Calories: 3. Liters of odd-smelling urine produced: 10)

Bet you can’t eat just one.

Other kids at your child’s school are paving their way to fat-hood one bag of Frito Lay’s at a time. Your child can enjoy the same crunchy goodness without packing on the pounds by substituting potato chips with equally satisfying ice chips. Just be sure you pack them in an insulated bag. (Calories: 0. Degrees of coolness: 32)

Go on a massive crumb hunt—make it a game!

Forget sweeping the floors or vacuuming behind cushions on the couch. Every Friday night, create a family tradition by having your children scour the house for crumbs and petrified or rubbery food scraps. Dinner is served, and the house is cleaned. Everyone wins.
(Calories: 5. Hours of humiliation: several…and maybe even a lifetime)

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Rachel December 4, 2008 at 12:06 pm

“dinner is served and the house is cleaned.” hilarious! I think you should add a straw to the crumb hunt to replicate the look and feel (and maybe sound) of running the vacuum.

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Shell December 5, 2008 at 6:20 am

“Nibble on the scented air”…OMfreakinG you crack me up.

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Richard Cranium December 5, 2008 at 7:42 am

“equally satisfying ice chips” Priceless!!

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Father Knows Worst December 5, 2008 at 7:59 am

@Rachel: The straw concept is a stroke of genius. Clearly, that should be part of the game.

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Donna December 19, 2008 at 12:19 pm

Don’t discount the idea of encouraging your kids to chain smoke at a young age. The Virginia Slims, Black Coffee & Diet Coke diet was all the rage among the original supermodels like Kate Moss and Christie Turlington, not to mention the 50-something Cougars who prowl the nightclub scene in Miami. Think about it: You get to constantly have something in your hand that you get to put in your mouth without actually consuming anything, then all that calorie-free caffeine speeds up your metabolism, boosting weight loss. The sooner your kids get started, the thinner they’ll be. It’s genius.

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juezraa September 28, 2010 at 6:50 pm

son unos hijos de su puta madre, solo a unos hijos de perra como ustedes se les ocurriria comentar o sugerir que los niños deven ser flacos, claro a la vez no hablan de los suyos sino de los demas y solamente lo dicen pero no lo hacen, chinguese el projimo no? a consumir sus productos de mierda como nestle que no traen nada de leche puro perro sustituto.
CHINGUEN A SU RE PUTA MADRE

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