Rule #11: Man-Boob Dads, Please Breastfeed Your Children

Close your eyes and you won't know the difference, except for maybe the hair.

Got man boobs? Got milk!

They have been your fleshy pontoons of shame since you gained a little weight in college. You’ve worn loose-fitting shirts to accommodate their wiggle and conceal their girth. You’ve avoided swimming pools, public beaches, and most situations where any bare-breasted move meant they’d wave at strangers like beauty-pageant contestants. They are like two guests who’ve taken up residence on your chest and won’t leave—ever.

Yes, we’re talking about your man boobs.

So, dads, why not put these guests to work and turn a double-booby negative into something singularly positive? That’s why you should give your lactating wife a break from time to time and breastfeed your children.

Who’s Feeling Weak and Saggy Now?

Studies have shown that men can actually produce breast milk. In fact, men who simply put their minds to producing milk usually did after a few days. And others have unburdened their wives by receiving hormone treatments. The result? The milky breasts flowed like Bessie the Bovine in no time.

Besides feeling good about your man boobs for the first time in your life, the benefits of breastfeeding your children are endless:

Don't let the strange looks from your children get in the way. Remember, you ARE the boss of them.

Don't let the strange looks from your children get in the way. Remember, you ARE the boss of them.

Kids loved being grossed out.

When your older children walk in and see Baby Bradley latched to your hairy chest, they’ll erupt into laughter and brim with curiosity. Your antics will be rewarded with your children’s respect as they egg you on with cries of “That’s disgusting! Do it some more!”

Two glorious words: nursing bra.

These don’t have to be mom’s best friend any longer, as they have more padding and support than a mattress at the Ritz. Indeed, for the first time since you developed your man boobs, you’ll have an apparatus that delivers better posture, provides relief for your aching back, cradles and compresses your excess flesh, and literally allows you to stand proud.

You’ll have bragging rights over other dads when it comes to baby bonding.

When Gary, the ever-doting father next door, mentions that he spent the weekend teaching his kids Tibetan sign language, finding shelter for homeless goats, and building the world’s largest model of the Vatican out of fingernail clippings, you can turn to him and say, “Gee, Gary, that’s wonderful. But I actually have love-bite marks on my nipple from when I tried to peel little Bradley off my chest this morning.” There’s no way Gary can top this, even if he summons up a few drops of milk in his own man bosoms out of shear jealousy.

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Marty Allen November 10, 2008 at 2:04 pm

Although picture 1 is thoroughly disgusting picture 2 with the ordinary baby in high chair works so well with the average simplicity of the shot

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Donna November 10, 2008 at 3:20 pm

I’m completely grossed out, yet somewhat fascinated. After all, teet for tat, right fellas?

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Krystle November 10, 2008 at 5:14 pm

The whole time I was going between “hahahah” ….”ewwwww”. Not many things make me react that way — nice work :)

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Marty Allen November 10, 2008 at 5:41 pm

The grotesque nipple hair begins where the little lambs hair ends-puke!

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Shell November 11, 2008 at 8:34 am

I am feeling a sudden urgent need to floss.
OMG….”double- booby negative”…that is the funniest thing ever.

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mariah November 12, 2008 at 6:37 pm

No shi*, if you have the goods feed the kids

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Mom on the Run November 21, 2008 at 12:27 pm

Can you do a post on dads who insist on giving breastfeeding advice to their wives? These are the dads who can’t keep their mouths shut about other baby issues. If you have the equipment then you can comment, if not be quiet.

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Mom on the Run November 21, 2008 at 12:28 pm

The baby in the orange shirt looks disgusted…like he is saying “dude, put your shirt back on.”

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Anya January 10, 2009 at 7:24 pm

THIS was hilarious.

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