Rule #93: Form a Rock Band With Your Teenager

family band

So, uh, when do the hot babes you promised us show up, Dad?

Your teenage son may not admit it in the light of day, but he thinks it’s very, very cool when you play air guitar to “Running With the Devil” on the Lexus’s steering wheel while you’re driving.

And the part where you grimace like Eddie Van Halen in the throes of a long, finger-dancing guitar-gasm?
Your son loves it.

Sure, he and his buddies already play in a garage band. And they sound pretty good sometimes. They’ve even had a few gigs around town. Girls seem to like them, too.

But know this: Your son is proud to have you as a father, because when you and Eddie V become one in air guitar-ness, you’re showing your son, in no uncertain terms, that you can “jam.” (Note: “Jam” is a word musicians use to describe playing together.) [Read more...]

Rule #76: Dump Your Kids on Other Parents

parent with child

So wait, how long did your parents say they'd be out of town?

So, you have this sweet opportunity to attend a semi-nude Renaissance Festival in upstate New York where a couple of dudes from Phish (including the back-up drummer) are playing on Saturday night.

The tickets are cheap, the timing is right (the kids are only playing four soccer games on Saturday instead of six), and you can almost smell the booze/urine/body odor cocktail you’ll be inhaling all weekend.

Only problem: What to do with your children?

They’ve worn out their welcome with the in-laws, especially after the unfortunate incident with the nacho cheese and the Citronella candle. Which means that your best option is to dump your children on other unsuspecting parents. [Read more...]

Rule #75: Arm Your Teen With Water Wings

drinking beer underwater

Danger lurks beneath the surface. Keep your child safely afloat with...floaties.

Sure, Nathan Jr. can swim. You even paid for the lessons a decade ago when he was 6.

But water, especially in shopping-mall fountains, large birdbaths and sandcastle moats, is beyond dangerous—it’s a nationwide tsunami of parental dread and worry. [Read more...]

Rule #74: Tell People Your Child Has Special Powers

kid with special powers

He slayed the shit out of a woolly mammoth in our backyard. No seriously, he did.

Naturally, you’ve mentioned to anyone who’d listen that your child is gifted and talented.

And you’ve also blurted out countless times that Tiffany plays travel soccer, travel lacrosse and has been recently selected for travel bocce ball.

But no one seems to give a shit. [Read more...]

Rule #70: Register for Your Baby Shower at a Pawnshop

Turn that frown upside down with a neon topless dancer sign, or the leg lamp from A Christmas Story.

We figure you have a few things going for you:

First, your home décor is a cross between meth-house chic and the back office at a 7-Eleven (including the cases of unopened Yoo-Hoo in the corner).

Second, you have plenty of friends who are looking to either skip your baby shower or spend as little money as possible on it.

And, finally, you have an affinity for second-hand 14-carat gold pinkie rings, drum sets once used by convicted felons and Soviet-era breast pumps.

Which is why registering for your baby shower at a pawnshop is a most excellent idea.
[Read more...]

Rule #68: Strippers, Feel Free to Enjoy “Take Your Child to Work Day”

take your child to work day strippers

Just because we're staring, doesn't mean we're liking.

All right, all right, so you do a little dancing at a little club downtown run by a green-card carrying Russian who wears a red sweat suit. What’s the big deal? Seems like everyone is doing it.

After all, the Russian is a proud entrepreneur, and he’s built “Yurgi’s House of Shiny Poles” into a beacon of…well, shiny poles. He’s proud—and you should be damn proud, too.

Kids might be confused by the field trip to your “office,” but there are easy approaches to educate and energize the dark, cobwebbed part of their brains that find it unappealing to visit places that smell like a combination of bong water and mint dental floss. [Read more...]